31 Birthdays

My Dad would have been 85 yrs old this past Mon, the 9th of Feb.

I say would have been, because he's no longer with us, well at least not in the physical sense.

It's taken me until today to write about him.

I seem to be postponing a lot of important issues these days... memorial type issues.

I guess it's ok though as long as I'm not refusing to deal and instead just waiting until the time is right. 44 yrs old and I'm just coming into my mid-life episode.

Transforming from the disgruntled short fuse I once was into something a little calmer... a little more understanding and a lot less angry.

Yes, there are times when I lose it, but it takes a totally disrespectful idiot to make me go there.

I digress.... this is about my father and why I waited until today to write about him. I guess it has a lot to do with the fact that it's winter. I get depressed easily in the dark months, so thoughts of something that might not be so happy might need to be addressed in a timely manner. I basically spent the last few days immersed in puppy kisses. Wet noses and wet tongues have been my morning noon and night. So much so, I haven't had time to do anything else. Thus allowing me the time to think about and process my Dads recent birth anniversary.

85.... WOW! I can't even imagine what it will be like to be 85. It seems like a lifetime away and yet, because I know how fast I got to 44, I know how fast I'll leave it behind. My Dad was 4o when I was born. Again... I can't even begin to imagine having a 4 yr old... FULL TIME at this stage in my life. Puppies are enough!! If I live to be as old as my Dad was when he passed away, I will have know him LESS than half my life. That seems so strange to me.... I knew my father less than half my life... what an odd realization. I guess that's why his birth and death anniversaries are getting more difficult with time instead of easier. The more time that passes, the less and less I'll remember about him. I feel almost as if with the passing of too many years I'll forget his laugh, I'll not remember his face, I'll forget him altogether. I find myself growing increasingly jealous of my older siblings, as if they have some sort of advantage over me because they're older. They knew him longer and they shared more experiences with him. I guess it made losing him equally hard for them.

He and Mom were together for 53 of his birthdays. I got to share in 31 of his birthdays. 31 Birthdays. Imagine if you knew you only had 31 birthdays to celebrate with someone you loved. I bet you'd make more than a cake, huh? In 2027, that's 18 yrs from now, I'll turn 63 yrs old. That year I'll be one year older than the number of years I knew my father. It sounds trivial, but I know it'll be hard. I believe the number of years a loved one has been gone can have a serious emotional and psychological impact. There are so many events that will take place in my lifetime that I won't be able to share with him, so I'll have to substitute with friends and the occasional random family member. I guess that's where having children and grandchildren comes in to play... Creating a legacy and adding to one already in existence.

My Mom n Dad were explorers. They traveled through life together. Life, one of the scariest places a human can go. Never knowing what to expect from one day to the next, but relying on faith, commitment and the love of at least one other person to make it seem all worthwhile. To end their journey lying together in the same ground that sustained them for a lifetime of memories. Memories that will live on through our hearts and into the hearts of our children. Just 31 birthdays...... that was all. I'll not soon forget my father, for I AM him in many ways.

Happy Birthday Dad!!

I was gonna hire a clown, but they were all booked up, so this'll have to do for now!!!