The sadness within and why

I really am starting to get a little burned out. Today Crystal died. She'd been on fluids in the hospital for three days. Started vomitting again and the meds weren't working. She weighed 27lbs Poor baby. I held her in my arms while her heart stopped and she left this cruel world. Another dog gone from this earth while under my watch, I realize for the past few weeks she had a great life... warm bed good food and lots of loving, but I failed her.... at least I feel like I did. I picked up Kati from BCHS (humane society) this morning. She had a single pup in the shelter that died and they asked me to help. Took her for an xray... no more pups. I tried to get her to let a few of the pups I have here now, nurse on her, but she just growled and walked away. I wanted to keep her while she mourned the loss of her baby, but her barking an howling were upsetting the other mamas in the house, so I returned her to the shelter. She'll get a dopted... she's beautiful. I drove over to BCAC (animal control) and picked up a beautiful English Bulldog. Found running about town and never claimed, the AC officers had sorta claimed her as their mascot, but I knew someone who wanted her and would give her a great home. Since it was me they let her go. Why would they trust me? All the dogs I take die. I dropped of the bulldog and headed home. I really am sad these days and can't shake it. If I could express it, I might be able to let it go, but it just hangs inside my chest like a huge lump, sucking the air and the life out of me. This evening, BCHS called again.... A 14 yr old little terrier mix was giving birth on the shelter floor. I was on my way. When I got there she was stuck trying to have the third pup. I had to assist and that pup was already dead. Numbers 4 and 5 quickly followed. I dried them off, wrapped them up and headed home with them all. The poor Mama, is so beat... I can't image what it must be like giving birth to 5 pups at the ripe old age of 70. They're all warm now and resting peacefully. I was just about to go to bed and started my normal round of puppy checks. Damn it... Erin has squashed another of her pups. She laid completely on top of him and he suffocated. This was the biggest male of the litter. How many more of her babies will die before I just quit and give her to another rescue. Tomorrow.... what will you bring me? Sadness prevails and grips my heart like a vice. Take this sorrow and cast it aside, so that joy can flood my soul. I need joy.