The Unforgiven

Before you read this I want you to know something. I was never the person you're about to hear. I was turned into this person by a mean, hateful and unhappy person. She killed my spirit and caused me more pain in my life than one man should ever have to bear. My anger and bitterness runs deep. However, wanting to be the change I want to see in the world, I have to vent this in order to overcome it. I am tired of suffering this hurt. I realize there are many stories of absent fathers and the horrible things they've done to their families. I am tired of being a class victim of this stereotype. We are not all alike. Most often there are two sides to every story. Before you place judgement, listen.

Dear Bitter one, Your anger started in your childhood. You were a victim of an incestuously retarded mother. She blamed you, she hated you, she called you an ugly child. You were never good enough and although you were completely unaware of it, she was jealous of everything you were. A life of being screamed at, beaten and made feel unworthy, turned you into the hateful contemptuous bitch you are today. Your anger killed your spirit. Victimized by a pitiful cunt of a mother your aggressive nature consumed your life and everyone in it. Friends tolerated you for as long as they could. Boyfriends used you and left. I stayed for as long as I could possibly tolerate your venom. You screamed at and beat me almost daily. Your anger so great and so overwhelming it blinded you to how horrible your existence really was. Years of unhappiness, blamed on everything and everyone you met, but never yourself. You killed me. You took the happiness out of my life. Those that could see you for what you truly were tried to tell me to leave, but based on some spiritual commitment, I stayed..... and I suffered. One after another the children came. Your only possible way of keeping a relationship. With each babys arrival, meant another year or two of spousal abuse. You got too comfortable though and in the end your mean natured ways chased me away. Foolishly I thought I was free from your nastiness. You used our children. You turned your anger on them and denied them happiness and their father. You infected them with the same cruel life that was inflicted on you by your own pathetic mother. You took it a step farther. You subjected them to alcoholic sexual predators.... and denied it. You truly are an example of what goes wrong when relatives breed. I thought for years I was the cause of your unhappiness. I had tried so hard to take you and keep you away from the mother you said you hated so much. I denied the lifestyle that haunted me since childhood. I endured years of emotional, physical and psychological abuse from you. I suffered through 7 courtroom battles, just to see my children. Before I was ever allowed to speak to my children I was forced to listen to your vile ranting. Eventually I stopped calling them, but that's what you wanted.... anything to hurt me... to hurt them. Nobody in your life was allowed to be happy if you weren't. You're nothing but a self absorbed selfish Bitch. I missed so much of my childrens lives growing up. You and your Old She-Devil of a mother blamed me. How could I endure any more of your abuse? You hid your evilness behind a slew of equally emotionally disturbed boyfriends, while your hateful mother shrouded her loathsome and malicious behavior with the apparition of christianity. Years went by, birthdays and holidays were never celebrated with me. Even Fathers Day eluded me. Somehow, according to you and your trusted advisor, I wasn't qualified. Fortunately time is always the friend of the innocent. Our kids grew up and they grew up hating you, resenting you and most of all not trusting you. You gave them grief and sadness, hate and discontent. You filled their heads with lies and when they needed it most, you denied them love. You're still angry and You are to blame. You've had so many years to see what happened and make a change. You've had years of opportunity to say you're sorry to those you hurt, but you insist you did nothing wrong. I feel such pity for you. Of all the things you took from me and our children...... all the pain we've endured by your hand and your screaming..... the thing that upsets me the most is the sense that all hope is lost. Hope that one day, you would release the demons that controlled you and try to just be happy. I love my children and I know they love me. I may not have been there for them from time to time, but at least I was honest enough to apologize. I'll grow old with no regrets, because I can forgive you. I just hope when the time comes, that you can forgive yourself.