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How am I not More?
The power to change my existence is mine.

Mindlessly moving, absent from the reality of whats going on around me.
I find myself more and more lost in my own mind.
Memories made are soon memories lost to dreams.
Wandering as a ghost among those living my life.
Why is everyone so sad, so angry, so alone?
The hate, the pain, the deception......
Would it change if my heart could beat, could feel, could love?

How am I not More?
The will to change my existence isn't mine.

The faces that stare, cold and without souls.....
only mirroring what lies just under my skin.
I have seen you many times before.
I have closed my eyes and wished you away.
I have fallen too many times from the weight of your critical judgment.
Escaping the monster lingering only a breath away....
This chill I feel isn't winter, but still it burns my throat.

How am I not More?
The fate of my existence is doomed.

Fatalistic, malcontent, aggressive, bossy, angry...
Just words, not labels, just words, not meant, just words.
Breathe, Smile, Laugh, walk away...
Never let them see the real you
Nobody can handle your real face, all scarred and bleeding.
The gaping hole where your heart belongs
No longer able to disguise or hide the husk of ravaged flesh you've become.

How was I not More?

Make Wonderful Things Happen (Letter to Richie)

 Jan 16th 1985, my life changed forever.
I was given the most beautiful baby girl. Something I felt then
and have felt often since, that I didn't deserve.
She was 3 months old the first time I held her in my arms.
To this day I can still remember how I had to sit down to hold her
because I thought I'd pass out from joy and exhilaration.
It took 20 minutes to stop the tears so that I could see her clearly.
I experienced emotion I'd never known before and it took my breath away.



She used to steal my AF Beret and wear it around the house. She was especially cute when she tried it
standing in my boots. I was probably guilty of spoiling her... yes, I'll admit it, but not bad spoiled.
She knew I was wrapped around her finger. I couldn't tell her no. Too afraid to make her cry I guess.

I'm not sure how much you know about her childhood.
Sadly I still feel today like I failed her and her brother and sister.  I lost my kids... There was so much of Cathy's life taken from me. This was also when the Joy was taken from her.
I knew something was wrong but what could I Do..... I was "just the Dad" according to a very flawed system. So I just watched and listened and hurt for her. Standing silent and helpless.

 A smile is something that should warm your heart.
When it's only there to mask the pain it's not real.
Cathy's been looking for real for many yrs. I truly believe she has found it, in you.
I finally see joy in her smile. I hear happiness in her laughter.
I hear contentment when I'm on the phone with her.
You've somehow managed to bring back to me that happy little girl I lost so many yrs ago.

Fortunately, Cathy has the heart of a fighter and made her way through the crap hand that she was dealt.
I almost lost her for good, but she wanted to know for herself, if the father she had been told was worthless, really was. I'm happy to say I never matched her mothers OR grandmothers description of me.
I'm not sure how sad and lonely my life would be without her. I hope to never find out.
I can't imagine living without her laughter, her sarcasm, her smile.

School photos and pictures taken, when she was visiting other relatives, always trickled to me and I've kept every one of them. Cards and magnets made in school, plastic bead necklaces, crafts from can tabs.... I have them all. Always from the sidelines watching her grow, watching how beautiful she was becoming.
Living through so many moments of sadness and torment and frustration only to trust again and be fooled.
Finally, has fate delivered an honest man for her? Are we to suspend suspicion and place faith once again in the hands and the heart of another?

That little baby that took my breath away, The little girl that could make me laugh and suddenly have energy to play after a 14 hr shift, still covered in camo paint, The young woman who took life by her own reigns and made herself into the force that she is today. I am in Awe of her and would give my own life to protect her.
I've stood silent for too much of her life. I even stood silently on the side of the highway, the night we almost lost her. I watched helplessly while the helicopter took off and it took my breath away.

There are few moments in my life that bear such significance as the birth of my grandson.
I was not prepared for this at all. I think I've done a pretty good job of concealing most of my joy.... LOL!!
Whatever... I'm not a poet OR a writer, so to try and explain what changed in me that day would be a waste of my time. If I actually knew what neurons were I might say I could feel them bursting in my brain. I went deaf, I lost my voice, I couldn't quit smiling and when I finally did stop.... hours later.... I collapsed into the deepest and most contented sleep ever.
I was a Grandfather. I had the most beautiful grandson ever by the most beautiful daughter ever!! How could this happen to ME? I didn't deserve this. Hadn't the world squashed over and over again my rights to such happiness? No, THIS time it was my daughter who said it was ok. This time it was my little girl who would, once again, take my breath away.

So, it's been almost 30 years since that day long ago, in that airport in San Antonio, TX when I first held my baby girl. 30 yrs of tears and laughter and anxious moments and fear and stress and love and anger and trust and doubt. Three Decades of wonder and joy and surprise and learning and accepting. Friends and family lost and gained, shoulders sagged with worry and sadness, but here, 30 yrs later we are, decisions to be made and love to be nurtured.

Here I Am, 50 yrs old, grey and getting greyer. Old and getting tired. Not sure how much longer I'll be allowed to stand on the sidelines to watch and protect. So, I've decided to change things up a little.
Instead of standing silently by and watching and WAITING....... I'm going to tell you how it should be... how it will be.
It's 10:30 on a weeknight, so you're most likely holding in your arms one of the most precious, priceless and irreplaceable people in my life. It's been way too many yrs since I've seen or heard her this happy.
As I said earlier.... you make her smile like the little girl I lost so long ago. I know it's just a matter of time before you come to me and ask the big question, so here goes.
Yes, Richie, You May Marry My Daughter.
Only if you promise to continue to love her the way you already are. To cherish her smile, to hold her close and to protect her with your own life. I give to you the honor of being her Husband, her friend, her partner.
I hand you the responsibility and the magic. Take her and make wonderful things happen.
I love you both.


                      Dad


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
UPDATE .... Less than 12 hrs later.....
Guess who got engaged????
YAY!!! I can hear little girl laughter all around today!!!
Love you so much. Can't wait for that walk!!

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Despite our arguments and differences growing up, you always knew when to be the older brother. You knew what to say, whether or not I planned on listening.
I miss the laughter, the sweet twang when you called someone a Dumbass.
So many of my friends just don't understand how that can be an endearing term.
I guess it's because they never had you for an older brother.

You used to throw the hardest snowballs, and they Always hurt.
The day I ambushed you with that pile of snowballs I had frozen into chunks of ice, you admitted to me later that I was pretty smart thinking of that.
This was told to me while you were sitting on me making me eat dirt, but it didn't matter, because you were proud of me.

I survived adolescence because of your priceless knowledge. You gave me my first Porn Mag. It was one you had already memorized, but I cherished it...... Until mom found it and gave it to Dad.
Who knew there so many names for so many things and that I wouldn't actually go blind doing "it"??

You used to pick on me so much and at the time I never knew it was because you too were being picked on. I just thought you hated me.
I remember the day at the Sawmill when Dad got tired of you poking at me and broke that tobacco stick across your shoulders. You cried hard because of that, but not as much as I did for getting you in trouble. I never told you I was sorry.

One evening, running down behind the Big Barn to get the cows in before a bad storm,
you stepped on a rusty nail sticking up through a short board.
I got my red wagon and pulled you all the way to the house so Mom n Dad could doctor you. Damn you were heavy.

You saved me often, too drunk to drive, and taught me Hair of the dog in the morning.

You'd roll your eyes when you'd meet my girlfriends and I never knew why.
Years later you confessed knowledge of what took me too long to figure out.

You showed up at my wedding with an extra car and tried to force me to take the keys and run. How many times I wish I had listened to you, but then I wouldn't have my beautiful children.

When my life turned upside down and Gay, you never blinked an eye and accepted me for who you always knew I was.
I remember that late night in your garage where you so delicately told me how there were Other guys out there that I could call my "friend". You never liked "him" and again I should have listened. I'm happy you liked Steve.

I could fill pages with memories of you. You were kind with an immediate and accurate sense of sarcasm. We shared some awesome times together and some not so great.
I'll never forget Dads funeral when we both stood silently outside the church, each with tears falling. Why was it so hard to say how we felt?

Fifty Four was Way too soon to lose you. We were supposed to grow old and grumpy together. Mona still needs you and although your boys will continue to make you proud, they need their Dad as well. I don't know what I can do to help them, but I will make myself available. This world is a sad sad place with you not in it.
I met that beautiful grandson of yours today. What a handsome little man. I swear he was looking for you, so I let him tug on my beard instead.

I'm not sure how I'll get through this. It's hard to breathe.
I saw Mona and the boys today. They're all hurting and still numb.
I hugged them all as hard as I could.
I just want you to know, I've held it together for everyone else so far, but tonight I'm gonna cry. You were cheated of so much life. It's not fair.... it's just not fair. I miss you, Edward. I'm being selfish, but I want 54 more.
Say Hello to everyone for me.... you're with the Angels now.