Learning To Laugh

"A funny thing happened on the way here....."

This, my friends, will be the first line of my Eulogy, and since we all know she'll still be alive, I'm gonna have Phyllis Diller read it. Tragedies and relatives included, my life up to this point has been pretty eventful, and on top of that... pretty damn funnny. Of course any of you that might have glanced at a Psych 101 textbook will know right away the real story...... the REAL reason why I've been so reluctant to write about my life. Humor is a theater mask, especially for anyone who suffers from depression. Humor however, has been the healing salve..... the "castor oil" of my life, and I'll continue to drink it down for as long as I can. Learning to laugh has been an adventure. Learning to laugh.... something that should be so easy shouldn't require lessons.

Anyhow, this is where I'll start..... I'm gonna write my eulogy..... unedited, veins exposed. I'm not sure how it'll turn out or what dark secrets I might discover about myself, but thats part of the journey. Stay tuned!!

The Police Report

The long awaited arrival of Marylands finest came this morning when Officer Fluharty of the MD State Police showed up to "Drive Test" Dash. A Drive Test is what they call testing a dog for possible donation into their K9 training. As lovable and as loyal as he is, he failed their test, but it wasn't all his fault. He's still grieving Blazes death and besides.... I secretly wasn't ready to lose another pup. The kind officer was polite enough to tell me that although Dash wouldn't be joining the ranks as a working dog, he had no doubt that he wouldn't make an excellent family dog. Of course we already knew this, but now the struggle I've been dealing with is over.... he's ours and he'll stay that way. YAAAAYYYYY Dash!!! Blazes absence has been tough on us all, especially Dash, but the dog that he's becoming is incredible. The difference in his temperment and behavior with the "Alpha" dog gone is a welcome change. It's really wierd how Dash played "get the ball" all week with me and today of all days he wouldn't get it once. Hmmm??? Some things were meant to be. Thanks Blaze!

Smiling again!!

The Boy came home yesterday, and I'm talking about Blaze!! Yes, he's returned to us and he's a lot less maintenance now. As soon as I get a picture of his little wooden box I'll post it. He's parked on the mantle in our bedroom. In fact he's the ONLY thing on the mantle. I've been trying to clear all the crap off of there for almost 8 years and it took Memorializing Blaze to make me do it. He's got a place of his own now, and we can talk to him whenever we want to.

I must say how impressed I was with Valley Pet Crematory . Being the conspiracy theorist I am, I was sure I was getting a box of ash from someones fireplace. I not only felt completely reassured that that wasn't true, but felt a little ridiculous for thinking it when I saw their business. They're building is on the grounds of Greenlawn Cemetery (a human graveyard). Still run by the children of the original owners. I'll be sure and reccommend them to anyone who might one day need their services.

So, on the way home with Blaze I took him one last time to his boarding kennel. We drove down by the river and stopped at his favorite place to run, and along the way I made sure to slow down next to ANY vehicle with a dog in it, so Blaze could bark at them. I swear I could hear him!!

I still mis Blaze and I'm sure from time to time his memory will bring a tear to my eye, but I'm glad he's free now. Arrivederci il mio amico, li mancherò.

Catching up...

So much is happ...... (many days pass)

So much has happened in the pa...... (months go by)

Jesus Christ, the shit that has been going on and the places we've been. If I didn't need therapy before... I need it now.

Two weeks traveling around Italy.

Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year have all come and gone.

Our best friend in the whole world left us less than a week ago.

Seeing that written on this page helps me become aware of why my thoughts are so scattered, and why this headache I've had for days just won't go away. I'm sure everyone has lost someone or something, but right now, this very moment.... It's about me and my loss. I could care what anyone else was feeling. Isn't it funny how quickly some people progress through the grieving process and other linger around depression. I think I'll hang out at anger for awhile... I'm happy being mad as hell, and hating, as Steve puts it.... , all bipedal hominids.

Flashback...... I promise to write more about the Italy trip, and WOW do we have some great pics and video footage.

Back to being angry.... Blaze, our loyal companion and fierce protector basically attacked a friend of ours. Blaze had been exhibiting some srange and stressful behavior for a few years, but never anything this extreme. Our friend is doing ok, but the act and the damage has been done. We talked and cried over our decision to take Blazes life just like we talked and cried over the possibility of having to do this in the past. Blazes time on death row was a short 4 days, but a funfilled exciting 4 days of extra walks and jeep rides and all the treats he wanted. My guess is he knew what was up. He wasn't stupid.... in fact, I think he planned this. Blaze had been trying to tell us he wasn't well, the details are unimportant, but the fact is, he knew he was sick. He just couldn't control those occasional outbursts. Some humans I know could learn from this experience. Today we should get his ashes back. We've prepared a special place for him on the mantle in our bedroom. He loved laying next to the bed where it was quiet and he couldn't hear the voices.

Oh those voices........ AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH ... Freaking TOURONS..... all damn day... "look at the wall, it's falling" "Do people really live here?", "Whats written on that mountain?"Don't go up there, it says private home" My eye starts twitching thinking about all the moronic comments I hear from passers-by, but poor Blaze, he had to suffer through it for 6 long years... no wonder he went crazy. I should have occasionally treated him to a lonely tourist. Nobody would have missed just one now and then.

Damn this anger stage of grieving feels good!!

So, our boy is gone 97 lbs of Big Fluffy Fur Ball. All he ever wanted to do was roll over and get his belly rubbed. Well there were those pesky voices in his head too, which is why he isn't with us today. To anyone who has a dog or is thinking about getting a dog. Love them, love them for all their behavior. When they shred a pillow, get on the floor with them and roll on it. When they chew up a door.... take it off the hinges. 6 years was NOT enough time for me. Blaze was my Teacher, my Friend, my Protector. The trust in his eyes captured my soul but it was his love that stole my heart. I miss him yesterday and today, and in the tomorrows to come I know the pain will weaken, but his memory will not fade.

I promise, in his memory, I shall from time to time bark at a tourist. Maybe we could all bark for Blaze once in awhile. He would like that.

You can visit him at http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/BLAZE005/Resident.htm

Soul Snatcher

Circling lower and lower... slower and almost stopped... Did they find something? They come for a fun filled day on the lazy Shenandoah... drifting along amid protruding rocks that willingly offer themselves up as natures waterslide.Visitors and locals alike relax back on round thin layers of rubber awash in the coolness of the river that carries them down......down..... lower and lower down stream. It appears around a bend where the river widens greeting her sister The Potomac. It's there where it takes place. These two sisters join as one and fight like all sisters do. What was once a lazy meandering river has now become a turbulent confluence. Boulders dislodged from flooding year after year have left her gouged and angry. She's taken many here and today takes another. Weak swimmers and seasoned rescue workers... she's not picky, she's just hungry. Someone reports, "my friend is missing"... another finds an empty inner-tube.... the call is made for rescue support. I hear the muffled thump thump thump of chopper blades in the distance. Do they sound the same for the missing friend who is now deep beneath that beautiful river?It circles lower and lower... slower and almost stopped... Did they find something? She always returns the body... it's only the soul she needs.