I am Not a Bully

I'm not a bully.
Contrary to popular belief that I am a violent man that most people are afraid of,
I am, in Fact, a victim of Bullies, Myself.
Yes, I've had years to get therapy and I've developed an incredible sense of humor and sarcasm to combat those that would cause me distress or physical harm.
Fortunately for me, my size does allow me the ability to scare off most would be threats and attackers.
Yesterday though, I realized something.
I have, for years now, been the victim of a completely different kind of Bully.

See, Bullies don't suffer from depression, they don't think about suicide.
Bullies don't constantly crave approval and love, which is very unlike most of us who've suffered their wrath.
The Modern day adult bully has figured out a way to eliminate others that might pose a threat to the way they want their life to be. Take my neighbors for example.
While posing as a happily married couple, they are in fact, the two most unhappy people in this town.
They live in a small picket fence dream where leaves don't fall and birds don't shit.
When someone tries to change this, they strike.
They attack by writing letters to the mayor demanding that fences be removed, that neighbors can't build sheds or homes. They organize others like them, and call themselves "advocates"... a pleasant word that in no way describes their private meetings and underhanded back alley way of screwing their neighbors.
They spread rumors and lies attempting to discredit anyone who would try to stop the dictatorship they crave.

Back to me....
My first encounter with being bullied started in my own childhood home.
I come from a very dysfunctional group of people who even to this day continue to breed even more dysfunctional people. Then I continued my training with 8 years of Catholic school where I learned not only to be bullied well, but to feel guilty about it, as if it were all my fault.
High school pretty much sucked ass for me as I was a total Post Catholic School Nerd and daily punching bag not only for jocks but other Fat kids and would be potheads.

Once out of school the wonderful world of workplace bullies began a parade across my ass, then as if I didn't get harassed enough.. I joined the military.
I just KNEW the military wouldn't bully me.. LOL

Keep in mind that before during and after my time in the Air Force, I was married to my wonderful ex wife, who if she had kept an average, most likely slapped my face at least once a day for 7 yrs. She herself a victim of a Bully Mother.

One failed relationship after another, learning more and more about the real me, and not what the world thought was the real me. I learned really fast that if most people THOUGHT I was a mean and potentially violent person, they would steer clear of me.
That image worked and kept me from the razor blades for over a decade, and then something strange happened.

I met some people who helped me see that I wasn't that big meany I had come to believe in. That I was actually a soft hearted, kind and caring person. It took many years for me to admit that I wasn't the big gruff attack bear, who's image I had worked so hard on creating. It wasn't enough though, that I just live my life peaceful and happy.
For some reason, the gods had decided that I needed to suffer this mean image a little longer.

This is where those adult bullies come back into play. Take for example the women at the daycare center up the street from where I now live.  Always blocking the road and yelling at motorists driving down the hill. They're nothing but Bullies, teaching the children to be bullies. I stop to tell them to stay out of the road and I'm labeled aggressive and threatening. (that was the 1st time I stopped)
My neighbors behind our home. They fight to stop us from having hikers off the AT from staying in our back yard, because they don't want the dirty hikers to lower their property value. They work to prevent another neighbor from building a new home on an existing foundation, because it's next to their yard and they just don't want neighbors that close. They decide it's ok to build decks all over the back of their house, without permits and violating building codes, but call the mayor when we add an extension to an existing platform on our back hill.
These are just TWO of the Bullies in this sleepy little town.

Extremely disheartened by finding myself living in a politically motivated town FULL of two faced, sad individuals, I turn my attention to animal rescue and avoid and ignore all town related drama.
The dogs NEVER question my attention. They offer me total trust and unquestionable love. How could this be anything but right? Even the saddest day in rescue would be better than being accused of violence or being threatened.
Sadly, this is when I start meeting some of the most cruel and heartless bullies I've EVER met and I'm talking about other rescuers.
People that would see you harm or discontent based solely on their own jealousy and short comings. People who's focus has gone entirely off course and is no longer about the animals we help. So caught up with the vile nature of rescue work that they now project it onto their fellow rescuers. Still trying to overcome that image of big nasty Bear, I found myself the target of these people.
This forced me to focus even harder on the dogs. Dig in even deeper into this world of unconditional love, offered by every paw that you came across. Days pass, weeks pass, years come and go. Dogs arrive, they recover, they get adopted and some die.
I laugh, I cry, I meet knew wonderful people who love being loved and I'm slowly not the person I thought I was, even though there are still a few that insist I'm what they see in their mind.
48 years and I'm here. Being a dog rescuer helped me become the man I always was.
I've a heart as big as they come. I've a soul that can heal. I've cried enough tears to wash away pain from any dog I touch. I'm proud to say............

I am not a bad man.
I am not a Bully.
I am not a violent man
I'm done being YOUR punching bag.
I'm done hurting inside because you hate yourself.


I will love with abandon. I will smile on the dreariest of days.
and all the while, I will NOT be Bullied ANY longer.
Prepare yourselves for the new, improved version of the OGRE.

What I have to offer as advice.
Don't allow anyone to make you feel inferior.
Life is too short and too precious to live it with anyone that's not going to love you for the wonderful person you are!!

Just ventin

Have you ever felt empty for no reason? When your chest feels hollow, and full of unbearable pain at the same time? When every emotion is wrapped in rage and there's nothing you can do about it. When it hurts so bad, your wish, every waking moment, is to just be left alone and when you finally are, the silence screams inside your head, When every heartbeat reminds you your still alive only to regret the moment when you actually woke up. When the thought of speaking to anyone makes you choke. When simple chores are tedious and make you resent anyone you ever helped. When the things you say and do, hurt those you love and you just don't care, because one day you'll be gone and they won't miss your attitude. I know I have a problem. I know medication can help it, but I'm tired of being on medication. I don't want to be better, I want to be normal. I want to be happy and not feel so angry. Maybe this day will pass and I'll get some sleep. Maybe the dogs will SHUT THE FUCK UP and not wake me up. Maybe someone will make ME coffee. Maybe someone ELSE will do the dishes. Maybe I'll just not wake up..... at least not here.

Tears for many reasons

I'd give almost anything to make today Wednesday, because today already sucks and it's only 7am. Today, Storm will be euthanized. A sweet loving, caring, beautiful dog will be killed by my decision to have it done. A syringe full of barbiturates will pierce the vein in her leg and her heart will go into immediate arrest and she will be dead.

Storm came here on the 8th of June 2011.

Pulled from the home of a crackhead in Manassas VA and very much pregnant. Prince William County Police wanted her as far away from her owners as possible, and were put in contact with me. I picked her up the same day they called and brought her home. Storm responded favorably right away to good food and lovin. She wanted nothing more than to lay with a human on the sofa... in a chair.... wherever. We could tell right away that she had been starved of affection and had only been used as a machine to produce pups for what we could only assume was illegal entertainment.

June 18th 2011, Storm delivered 9 Beautiful babies to us.

All healthy and with the same marbled coloring as their Mama. I was surprised at the size of the litter, given Storms small stature, but I guess that's what crackheads/breeders look for in a breeding machine. Now though, Storm looked skinnier than ever and was always on the lookout for more groceries.

June 28, 2011 Six Motherless pups arrived from BCHS.

Just ten days later, these six gorgeous pups joined the family and Storm took them as if they were her very own.... nursing and cleaning and protecting them. I could tell the difference between her pups and the new ones and I'm sure she could too, but she paid it no mind. We bottle fed to help with nursing demands and all 15 pups started growing.

July 1st - 5th, 2011 All Nine of Storms pups passed away.

We originally thought it may have been an upper respiratory issue that took them, but then we got the autopsy results back on Dooley and discovered he died of Parvo. We never tested the pups to see if it was parvo that took them, we can only assume. What I DO know, is that holding an innocent puppy as it takes it's last breath ever is the most dreadful and deafening silence I've ever had to experience. Now we had to sit and wait for the other six to die? I couldn't do it. I refused to sit and watch as their lungs quit on them and caused their tiny little hearts to stop beating. I had taken the six new pups to the vet to also have them put down, but they talked me out of it. I couldn't bear to watch them slowly and painfully die like the first nine. With a "Promise" to be there when or IF I needed them, I placed my trust in the vet staff and headed home with six, seriously pumped up on antibiotics, puppies.

July 7th, 2011 The Six pups eye started to open.

With an estimated birth date of June 25th, 2011, these six babies are now 5 1/2 weeks old. Weaned from their surrogate mama and eating on their own. having survived what we think was parvo, I have great hopes for this litter. Fortunately for them, they're starting to look a lot less like pitbulls and instead just cute pups. Storm in all her awesomeness did a Terrific job keeping these babies alive.

July 25th, 2011 Storm attacked Niles.

I hadn't been home 30 minutes. Let all the dogs out like I ALWAYS do, and I heard the growl gurgle. That sound that says, it's not play... something is wrong. I raced outside to find Storm straddling Niles and ripping his throat open. I pulled her off of him, put him in a crate, crated all the dogs and raced off to the vet with Niles. She had ripped a hole in his esophagus, barely missing a jugular vein. Three hours in surgery, he was covered in stitched and drain tubes and we headed home. It's been a week and Niles is recovering at an amazing and rapid speed. Storm however has continued her random attempts at attacking several other dogs here. I've come to the point where she has to be monitored when she's not crated. She's tried to go after Niles twice more now and just this morning, went after Francine. My decision, as hard as it is, has been made. Storm is too unpredictably volatile. Today it's small dogs and cats that are in her cross hairs. Tomorrow it may be a child. I can't take that risk and I won't ask anyone else to take it either. Storm, we love you. You were a victim of bad breeding, by Monsters. You're a loving sweet lady, that did what she was bred to do and went above and beyond that role to take care of others in need. You're a cuddler, a licker and an overall luvbug. Sadly, you're also a killer with a prey drive larger than a wolf. It's not your fault and you can't stop it. I forgive you for what happened with Niles. I thank you for what you did for these pups and I ask that you forgive me for what I'm about to do. Enjoy that bridge Fine Lady, you deserve it, you really do. Leave this world knowing a kind hand and kind words and a full satisfied belly.

Tears are shed for many reasons, but today, there will be tears shed for only you.

My Difference

For some time now, I've been beating myself up for not posting on this blog. I've once again allowed the daily dribble of Facebook to lure me away like the 010101010101010101 siren of some future world. I've been trapped in it's web of insincerity's and niceties and fleeting moments of absurd friendships. As much as it will defeat any attempt to break free, I will post this, so anyone with more than a minute between funny comments or serious causes, can get just a glimpse of what shattered my heart..... this time. Driven by a sadness that's too large for FB and it's endless " :-( " and "sorry's", I came here to tell my sorrow. I needed something more than a caring shoulder or another "understanding" response. I needed closure. Many of you know, I fill most of my time doing dog rescue. This involves taking mostly dogs that nobody else wants..... even other rescues. In the last several weeks, I've taken in over 20 dogs/puppies. Many were adopted, some went to another rescue, some were just being fostered and went back to the shelter once they were actually old enough to Be adopted. Some did Not make it. This is about those three. Dooley The first time I heard about this guy was in an email I received from the people who found him. They had been out for a walk through their neighborhood and spotted this 9/10 month old pup hiding in the woods. It appeared that his foot was injured. They took him in and tried to find his owners. After having no luck with that, they reluctantly called Animal Control who responded and took the dog. The family immediately took it upon themselves to contact many of the local rescues, asking if someone would please help this fella, because he was So sweet and would most likely, being a pitbull and injured, be put to sleep at the pound. I went to AC and there he was, all goofy and lovable and just wanting to sit as close to and as much on top of ANYONE as possible. The next day I had him xray'd and sure enough, his foot which seemed to cause him no pain at all, was completely broken, right behind the knuckles. He was placed in a cast and while he was out.... neutered. A week into his recovery, his cast started rubbing, so I took him back to have his cast altered and he was fine, except he had developed a cough. This was the same cough that many of the other dogs in my home had developed and were being treated for. Housing dogs that usually come to me with no vaccinations, I'm always prone to one or two being sick, but this week, I had 9. So Dooley started the same medication the others had been taking. He was also on some meds for any pain he may have had for his foot, so when he started not being so rambunctious, it didn't concern me too much. Four days into his meds, he quit eating, but so had several of the other dogs during their recovery. Never more than one day though, so again it appeared normal. Day 5 and he was getting dehydrated, so I gave him sub Q fluids. His temp had spiked to 106, but an hour after the fluids it was down to 103. Two + hours later, Dooley laid over in the floor, gave two sharp gasps for air and was dead.

I've never had a dog die in the middle of my living room. Much less a dog that didn't appear to be that sick. This bouncy out of control bundle of happy licks and goofy exuberance was lying limp in my arms and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. My first thought and lingering feelings were what had I done wrong?What did I not see? How could I have prevented this? I called the Vet Hospital emergency number and arranged to meet them there with Dooley's body. They would need to get samples to find out what it was that took this little man from us. I'll miss you Dooley. You were a fun Pup. You sneaked those kisses to Annie that made her growl, but never in a serious way. You never understood when I was yelling at you for jumping the gate, that I was upset. You were always happy and wanted me to pet your head. I tried fella, and I hope you didn't suffer. I hope too, that if this was my fault in any way, that you forgive me. You go and run free of broken legs and broken feet. Breath clean air and bark all you want. Big hugs to you, Dooley. Tula, Tula was a stray that ended up in the care of Animal control. Her story isn't as dramatic as Dooley's. She had stayed her time at AC and was due to be PTS. I don't care how old or aggressive or injured an animal is, no dog deserves to die on a cold shelter floor, So I hooked a leash to the old girl and brought her home. At first I thought she might just need some gettin used to the other beasts here and that her grumbling and growling would pass. Sadly, it didn't. Tula checked out at the vet.

All negatives on her blood work and a fresh rabies vaccine and she was ready for adoption. Problem was finding someone who wanted and Senior Beagle who really wanted to be an only child. Tula would go out in the morning, dig a hole under the swing on our patio and lay there all day. She would come in at night, head for her bed under the table and lay there all night. This would have been the perfect arrangement, except that sometimes in between, she would wander around picking fights with the other dogs. Last Friday, she picked a fight with Annie, and she lost. You don't go into a bar and kick the biggest guy in there and not get your butt whooped. Tula did just that. Annie let go of Tula as soon as I told her to, but the damage was done and my decision was made. This was one old gal that wouldn't be getting adopted. Seriously old and grumpy and not social at all. There was also the occasional snap at human hands too, but that wasn't nearly as bad as her attitude to other k9's.

So today, Tula left for Rainbows Bridge. She can run and play and dig all the holes she wants to now. It was a difficult decision to carry out, because I wanted her remaining time to be a little longer than a couple weeks. Unfortunately fate gave her a different hand than I had in mind.

Zorro, This little spark plug was my first exchange student. Three dogs I had managed to get my hands on went to Briggs Adoption Center. CeCe, the Shih Tzu, Suzie Q, the Lhasa Apso, and Jersey, the Chihuahua all were accepted by Briggs and in exchange, I took Zorro. This guy was 9 yrs old and abandoned by his idiot owner. The guy got a Doberman to "protect" his property and instead it started picking on Zorro. Well Zorro didn't respond well to shelter life. He was a nervous wreck and would spin all day and stopped eating and was losing weight. So, he came here to see if living in a home would benefit his health. At first we thought he was just nervous, but after getting bitten several times I thought maybe he simply didn't like me, then he started sitting in my lap, but I still wasn't allowed to handle him... I was just a perch. Then he started running after and nipping our friends. Then it became impossible to even pick him up. I worked with him every day and discovered if I gently approached him and placed my hands between his two front legs, I could pick him up and hold him temporarily, but as soon as I would go to move him he would scratch me while leaping from my arms, snapping at me as well. His agressive biting was so sporadic and unpredictable. Nobody wanted to handle him after awhile. Three days ago, Zorro quit eating. He wouldn't even eat treats. I tried to hold him last night and he bit the crap out of my hand. Today, Zorro left with Tula and joined Dooley. As much as I thought he had potential, the potential for him to bite an adopter or their child was too great a possibility and liability. If Zorro had been a 70 pound pitbull this decision would have never been debated. As sad as I am for having to make it, I am equally sure it was the right thing to do. Now he doesn't ever have to worry about being picked up the wrong way or ever having to bite in fear again. Live your afterlife in Peace my little temporary friend.

We did manage to spend some quality time together. He would lay next to my computer in the morning and watch me type. He liked being up higher than the other dogs. I guess he felt safe up there over top of their heads. Well now he can spread his little wings and fly above them all. And so there you have it. Doesn't sound like too much to deal with, but this on top of all the other dogs and all the sickness and life's crap in general..... I'm hollow. My heart is not broken because it's gone. I feel nothing in there and I'm sure nothing is beating within my chest but echos of compasion. I chose to do this work and yes, some of you have said how "you're so strong", "I don't know how you do it", "you're a saint", but the bottom line is this. I'm not making the difference I thought I could make. The dogs still die and sometimes in my care. The vet bills are high and sadly only get paid when i can pop out a litter of cute pups for adoption. I'm feeding the same system that dumped these old unwanted dogs on me. I'm part OF the problem. I'm starting to believe we shouldn't HAVE shelters. Maybe shelters and rescues and pounds are only enabling a system that's flawed.

Then I turn around and I see the big warm loving eyes of the ones that are still here. I feel their soft fur and wet kisses and I know, I'm just in pain and they lick it all away. There'll be more adoptions, there'll be more rescues..... there'll be more deaths. I loved these three dogs like I still love the ones remaining, and that's the difference I needed to make. That's my closure. They didn't leave this world unloved.

Another Sad Rescue Ending

September 14th I made the drive to Preston County WV Animal Shelter to pick up two pregnant dogs that were part of a hoarders home where there were 70+ dogs running loose. Schipperke Mixes they called them. All the dogs looked the same and weighed between 30 - 40 lbs. It was an inbreeding frenzy. One of those dogs, Millie had already had her pups prematurely and they only lived 2 days. The other dog, Rocket was very pregnant and managed to go full term and not deliver hers until the 1st of Oct. October 1 2010, Rocket gave us 4 beautiful little babies. Three looked just like her and then there was the beautiful blond one. Two girls and two boys and they appeared to all be healthy. Since we had named the Mama, Rocket, we thought we'd name the babies AFTER rockets. So we had Atlas, Titan, Ares and Ariane. Atlas of course also carried the name Joe since our neighbor Joe Frost's birthday was the same day. He then became AJ. The first couple weeks went well and then we noticed Ariane wasn't eating and losing weight. In 4 days she was dead. She was just 4 weeks old when she left us. I thought it could be a resurface of the Giardia from earlier in the summer brought to us by the Pitbull puppy mill raid, but we were unsure. So we medicated and bottle fed to make sure the remaining three stayed healthy and continued putting on weight. Titan, AJ and Ares were quickly becoming fat little furballs. Then around week 6 Titan started getting sick, so did AJ. We were on top of it. Everything possible for two tiny little pups to keep them hydrated and thriving. AJ perked up right away, but Titan struggled and barely clung to life for the next two weeks. Sadly on the 2nd of dec at just 9 weeks old, Titan succumbed to his poor health and left us to join his sister Ariane.

Now I was really worried and pretty much took AJ and Ares off the market. I needed to know for sure they were healthy before I allowed anyone else to become attached to them. I planned on keeping them for several more weeks while we watched and medicated and fed and coddled these two surviving pups. AJ and Ares just had to make it.... They were too sweet to not survive. Fifteen weeks old, AJ went to his new home. I could finally breathe relief. He wasn't only healthy, but he was a super awesome little guy. So cute and handsome at the same time. Vaccinated and neutered and ready for his new family. Yay Atlas Joe!!

Now to find a home for Ares. Three different adoption fell through for this sweet angel and she's getting huge now. Before long she'll be adult size!!! It'll happen though.. I know it will.

So with AJ adopted and Ares advertised, I turned my focus on Mama Rocket who by this time had healed up pretty well and was ready for spaying.

Hopefully this would take the edge off her aggressive behavior. We'd noticed her mean biting episodes with a few of the other dogs. Even the Pitbulls were afraid of her. A few times I found bite marks and all were from Rocket. She wasn't exactly the friendliest to humans either, well she was with me, but they all are. I never really thought she would be capable of what was about to take place.

January 24th i took Annie and Rocket in to have them spayed.

Rocket went rabid on the veterinary staff. She had to be caught with a pole, muzzled and quickly drugged. Her behavior was so bad and SO aggressive, I made the decision before she was spayed to have her PTS. This was just a culmination of a sad chain of events caused by the irresponsible and neglectful behavior of a hoarder.

I'm sorry Rocket, but now you're with your babies and your running free and you never have to protect your food again. Be happy and free little lady.

A summary of my chaotic life since Aug 2010

A little bit of a catch up since August of 2010.

I started my own non profit.... what a fricking headache that was... O M G's!! I figured since I was doing the work I might at well make it a business. Now I'm swamped...

August brought me 28 dogs n puppies. 16 adoptions. 2 deaths.

Well, Moses didn't die this month, but his ashes returned. We did lose Emma though. (congestive heart failure) RIP girlie. She died in my arms while I held her in the waiting room of the hospital. Rocky came to us this month hairless from Mange and started his journey to recovery.... YAY! We took in Ren Fair with Jon n Steph and saw lots of Boobies!! I had 3 vehicle appts and 2 home maintenance appts. Seven Vet appts and visited Animal control a minimum of 9 times. We also had a WONDERFUL visit from Tammy n Kenny and their 4 beautiful little ladies. It was only 3 days though.... not nearly long enough in my book. That was August.

Then came Sept. Well, there was a significant carry-over between the months. On the 31st of Aug... Annies pups were born. Perhaps the most beautiful litter of blue pitties to ever breathe. The same day they arrived, so did miss Sophia with her 8 babies. Sophia only stayed here a week before she moved on to HART rescue. So,

8 dogs n pups arrive. 11 dogs adopted. 2 pups died.

Millies pups were premature and only survived 2 days. Steve was gone from the 3rd to the 16th on a business trip and while he was away I had the privilege of conducting the wedding ceremony for Katie n Jerome. My first wedding and it was beautiful. That weekend, my niece VA stayed here to watch the critters and when I returned from down county, I brought with me my grandson to stay overnight. He went back with my niece. One of our hens laid this month too... YAY!!! Fresh Eggs!!! I got to have dinner one evening with a really awesome couple, Chris n Kelley and their handsome little boy Jack. I took Mogley the Neo with me and he was a saint the whole visit. That was Sept.

Then came October My favorite House/doggie sitters came back this month, which allowed me and Steve to go to Boston for a vacay!! I had never been and I loved it there. Thanks Guys!!

8 new arrivals this month Pups n Dogs (Rocket had her babies) 4 adoptions 2 deaths.

We lost Pearl and little Ariane. RIP Ladies. Annies pups turn 8 weeks old this month and the adoption chaos has begun.

I had two vehicle inspections. 7 vet appts 4 home visits

This month I also had my 1st Foster start for me. Maja took Rocky in now that he's no longer contagious. Yay Rocky!! Rocky also got adopted this month and is super happy with his forever family. That was October.

Then Came November Wow, November........

8 new dogs 11 adoptions Only 1 death.

Poor little Titan struggle for weeks and we finally did the humane thing. He's at rest now with his sister Ariane. 16 vet visits this month. (all spay/neuters or surgery) Steve skipped outta town again for 4 days.... he should know by now that leaves me unmonitored... LOL! Two of the pit pups, Jake n Elwood returned for a Vacay. While they were here, they too visited the vet... neutering and such. Our biggest event this month was when those super doggie sitters Va, Mike n Chris came back to celebrate Thanksgiving with us and then hung out for the weekend so Steve and I could go to New Hampshire for a friends wedding. It was held at a lodge in the mountains and it snowed while we were there. Yes, there may have been a little too much drinking, but hey.....! Congrats Gabor and Anna!! I started ordering my rescue drugs in bulk this month. That was November

Then Came December...

32 pups n dogs arrived.... mostly new pups The 6, 3 day old pit pups. Queenie's 8 pups. Minnie's 3 pups. Erin's 10 pups. 1 Adoption... slow month, but a GREAT Adoption. This was Ripley!!! 12 pups died...

The 6 pitties who were left in the freezing cold in a box. We just couldn't save them. 3 of Queenie's babies and 3 of Erins. Not good. :-( We also had to put Fletch down because of his aggressive behavior.... Poor baby. It was a suck-ass human that made him that way.= Crystal also came to us this month. An all white pittie and only 30lbs. We're gonna do everything we can to save this girl. Xmas came and XMAS WENT!!!! The kids started arriving on tues and would all be with us through New Years. What wonderful chaos this would be!!! A house full of dogs n puppies n kids!!! Erin arrived emergency style on the 28th. She delivered on the 30th starting labor at 3:30 am. 14 hours of labor later I thought she was done and went to bed. Another arrived during the night. This old gal will NEVER go through this again. Fortunately for me, I have an AWESOME daughter who helped me and who also cooked dinner for everyone. I think it was my blood hands that made them want to keep me from the kitchen and that I kept threatening Placenta sausage for dinner.

Anyway.... the year ended and a new one began. Although it all sort of melted together in a chain of happy and some unfortunate events..... it's life and if I've learned anything, it's to enjoy every moment, because you NEVER know when it will be taken away from you........ and trust me, it will be taken away. That was Dec and 2010

Stay tuned for January..... it's looking pretty promising.

The sadness within and why

I really am starting to get a little burned out. Today Crystal died. She'd been on fluids in the hospital for three days. Started vomitting again and the meds weren't working. She weighed 27lbs Poor baby. I held her in my arms while her heart stopped and she left this cruel world. Another dog gone from this earth while under my watch, I realize for the past few weeks she had a great life... warm bed good food and lots of loving, but I failed her.... at least I feel like I did. I picked up Kati from BCHS (humane society) this morning. She had a single pup in the shelter that died and they asked me to help. Took her for an xray... no more pups. I tried to get her to let a few of the pups I have here now, nurse on her, but she just growled and walked away. I wanted to keep her while she mourned the loss of her baby, but her barking an howling were upsetting the other mamas in the house, so I returned her to the shelter. She'll get a dopted... she's beautiful. I drove over to BCAC (animal control) and picked up a beautiful English Bulldog. Found running about town and never claimed, the AC officers had sorta claimed her as their mascot, but I knew someone who wanted her and would give her a great home. Since it was me they let her go. Why would they trust me? All the dogs I take die. I dropped of the bulldog and headed home. I really am sad these days and can't shake it. If I could express it, I might be able to let it go, but it just hangs inside my chest like a huge lump, sucking the air and the life out of me. This evening, BCHS called again.... A 14 yr old little terrier mix was giving birth on the shelter floor. I was on my way. When I got there she was stuck trying to have the third pup. I had to assist and that pup was already dead. Numbers 4 and 5 quickly followed. I dried them off, wrapped them up and headed home with them all. The poor Mama, is so beat... I can't image what it must be like giving birth to 5 pups at the ripe old age of 70. They're all warm now and resting peacefully. I was just about to go to bed and started my normal round of puppy checks. Damn it... Erin has squashed another of her pups. She laid completely on top of him and he suffocated. This was the biggest male of the litter. How many more of her babies will die before I just quit and give her to another rescue. Tomorrow.... what will you bring me? Sadness prevails and grips my heart like a vice. Take this sorrow and cast it aside, so that joy can flood my soul. I need joy.