When my brain hurts

You know, Ive been chastised recently for not posting. Apparently there's been some really cool shit happening in my life and I'm just sittin back enjoying it and not sharing. Well I have a confession.... I'm not the superhero people thought I was. I obviously still suffer from some sort of genetically inbred inability to deal with stress and when it gets too bad, it makes my brain hurt. I can preach the sermon, but I can't sit still in the pew and listen to my own advice. After weeks of family visits added to local crazy crap and the occasional toilet leaking into my kitchen, emergency..... my brain is incapable of writing anything worth reading, so here I am ranting. I believe that to bitch without a solution only makes you part of the problem, so I promise by the end of my verbal assault on whatever it is thats got my brain constipated, I'll see the light or at least see them coming down my street. Before I could even begin writing I had to turn off ABBA. For some reason I thought they might create a soothing melodious background, but "Fernando" is just not doing it. The only thing "in the air" around here are Dashs farts. I really shouldn't have any issues. I'm living the life basically. I've got a GREAT partner, a GREAT home, and um..... well..... my attempt at world domination failed, but locally I have them all thinking I'm insane, so at least they'll leave me alone!! July 9th 2007 my sister Patsy died. The anniversary of that tragic day has just passed. I HATE how as a society we feel the need to put so much freaking emphasis on remembering all the terrible things that happen. I guess the part of my sisters death that makes it so hard was the suddenness of it. There wasn't an autopsy so we really don't know how or why she died. Some country-ass doctor just decided because she was obese and diabetic and on meds that he could assume why and how she died and the ones that had taken "POSSESSED CONTROL" of the situation went with his diagnosis. I don't guess it really matters. She's gone and for the last year she's visited many times and given us many signs as to her presence. I've enjoyed having her here from time to time. The possessed ones who decided to ruin my last memories of my sister have to live with themselves and I DO NOT have to live with them. Her passing, as well as the anniversary of it, was still hard and although I tried to pretend it didn't bother me, I couldn't help but think about her every day. One of my favorite nieces was here for a visit and reading through our guest book came across this entry.....

"May 10, 2002 Enjoyed my visit and stay in Harpers Ferry, WV. The sounds of the trains passing are so relaxing to me. I like the home with one exception. The stairs are a real killer. The young can handle mountain climbing to reach your front door, but not those of a few years. See you again soon!! As Always, Patsy"

That was my deceased sister. She had made it here to visit.... once, and in doing so she created a comfort zone for her spirit to visit again and again. I remember when we would call each other.... I would sit the phone in the window whenever a train passed through, because she wouldn't allow me to talk over the horn. She loved that train horn. Shortly after her death, I had my grandson here visiting and I wrote this poem for her.

So there you have it.... laid out, and I guess I do too. More and more these days those veins of mine are more exposed than ever. During moments.. days.... weeks of intensely stressful situations.... I either break down or shut down. Auto Pilot is not a good thing, because eventually I have to switch off of battery power and that's usually when it I realize I'm outta gas. Maybe I'll learn one day to just let it out when it needs to pour. Maybe?